Monday, April 4, 2016

Broken Toe Update #2 & A Meltdown

March 31, 2016
Last Thursday was my much anticipated orthopedic appointment, where I would be told if my toe had  healed or if surgery was needed. It was a somewhat dreaded appointment, even though I have been counting down the days and i've had many sleepless nights as Thursday neared. 

The doctor came in, sat down, looked at me and said "Your toe is still broken" my heart dropped and it took me everything i had to stop myself from crying and breaking down right there. As a matter of fact I felt quite controlled and the moment felt a little surreal, maybe a little part of me felt that it was still broken. My toe still swells up and it does hurt, that's why I think it wasn't that much of a surprise when those words came out of the doctors mouth.
He asked if I wanted surgery, no, no I do not want surgery. So what's the plan?
I can start to transition into a normal shoe, not any normal shoe, it has to be a shoe with a hard sole similar to the boot that i've been using, that mean that shopping for a new shoe is in order. My toes still need to be buddy taped together, but the thing that really hurt the most is that running is definitely out of the question for a long while. I have another follow up appointment in about 6 weeks, and if my toe is still looking the same, surgery will definitely be happening.
These past almost 2 months since I broke my toe, I can happily tell you that i've taken it like a champ, without one tear or breakdown but this past Saturday as we walked through Central Park to cheer my dad on as he ran his 10k and we took Miguel to his race I lost it.
I was walking with Miguel and talking race strategy when I felt my heart to start to tighten up, my tears started to build up and I started crying, no not crying, it was that horrible ugly cry that you try to avoid as much as possible. I was having my first breakdown, since the moment that I broke my toe. Why now? I'm not sure, but my guess is that I'm actually starting to feel scared, it might sound silly. I know this is not permanent but it is the first time I can't run because of a major injury and I'm really hurting. After I ugly cried, my heart felt lighter, it was something that was being kept up inside and it just needed to come out. The plan now is to sign up to a gym, the doctor gave me the clear to use the bicycle and rowing machine for cardio at the gym. 
So this Wednesday I will be signing up to the NYSC near my house and while I dream of my running days to come back again, I will kick ass at the gym. I'm making sure to write all this down because you guys always help me keep accountable, so I have no excuse to not sign up on Wednesday.
It will not be an easy thing to do, just because I have to try my best to not over do it with my broken toe, I do not want surgery you guys and also because this new gym environment will be something new. I'm used to the park and fresh air, to feeling the pavement under my feet. Here I go making myself feel sorry, stop it right! I will run again and I will come back more fierce than ever. 
Please, please keep me in your prayers and send many good vibes my way.

Kary xoxo

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