Friday, July 21, 2017

Goodbyes Are Never Easy But What Happens When You Don't Get To Say Goodbye


It's been a little quiet around my corner of the internet, and I've shied away from social media as well. After two years of being diagnosed with cancer, my mother in law has passed away and there are no words to explain what we are all feeling. 
It would have been 2 years this July that my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer, from those 2 years she was in remission for about 5 months when we would later find out that the cancer had come back and it seemed to have spread.
These past these 2 years have been the hardest, there was so much stress going on that my husbands health was in up and down situation. There were a lot of sleepless nights that were full of worry and fear of losing what was one of my husbands biggest treasures.
As a wife I felt helpless and guilty, because I have both my parents and while my husband was suffering from being so far away from his mom, I was blessed with having both my parents with me.
Every night we prayed, we prayed for my mother in law to find the strength to beat the cancer, we prayed for the cancer to go away but most of all we prayed that my husband was able to hug his mom. That he would be able to hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek again, 22+ years is too much time away from the most important person you have in life.
Our children also had to meet their Grandmother, so they could get a chance to meet the beautiful person that was responsible for their amazing dad. They needed to listen to her stories about all the silly things he did as a child.
July 18th, Tuesday night all those dreams came crashing down. My mother in law lost her battle to cancer and passed away late afternoon. The missed calls started coming in, my husband was busy at work and unable to take the calls. At around 10:15pm his niece messaged me and that's when my gut instinct told me that something was not right. I asked her if her grandmother was ok, and her response was for her uncle to please call her.
It was like I was reliving the day my father in law passed away and I had to tell him what happened.
My husband got home from work and after getting dressed and relaxing for a moment, I told him to call his niece. Before he even said the words, I knew it already. I knew my mother in law had lost her battle with cancer. My husbands words as he spoke on the phone "Shit, my mother died, she's dead"
Have you ever seen someone in shock? I haven't but I swear that my husband went into shock that night. He sat on the bed and told me not to hug him, he didn't want to cry, he couldn't cry. A zombie is what he was, the rest of the night. Is there any other way for a person who had hoped to see their mom again to react. How can a person who didn't get to tell their biggest treasure in the world what they meant to them react.

 I on the other hand started crying, there were so many things we had to yet to do. So many plans we had for when we made it to Ecuador. We were supposed to have our church wedding over there, so his parents could be with us. I had to meet his mom, my mother in law and thank her. She was after all responsible for the amazing husband that I have. It was thanks to her that I have my Humberto. Miguel and Valentina had to meet her, hug her and call her abuelita.

Why is life so cruel sometimes, I like to think that it's not but in moments like these I really do think that it is very cruel.
My husband has cried, he cries every time he comes home from work, and I make sure to hug him while consoling him.
We try to console ourselves with knowing that she is not in pain anymore and that she has been reunited with her love.

I tell him to talk to her, that she is his guardian angel. She is now watching over us and even though we might not see her, but she is definitely by our side.

We will be leaving for Mexico in less then 2 weeks and even though I've told my husband that we could stay, he has reassured me to go. The kids are set on going to Mexico and like a friend advised me, he needs some alone time. Time for him to grieve in his own way.
How helpless I feel right now and what I wouldn't give to take away this pain. My heart aches for my husband, I wish that he would have been able to have the closure that he needed with his mom.

I will be posting a few posts, because it is a part of what I do but please know that we are all in pain and grieving. Even though I might post a picture here and there, there is pain in our hearts but for our kids we have to smile and in remembrance of my mother in law who reminded us that life is too short we must enjoy every single day.
Every breath I take and wind that hits my cheek will remind me just how blessed I am to be able to enjoy this life that I've been blessed with.

We will always treasure you in our hearts
Maria Ortencia Zhagui
and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for my husband. 
One day we will meet again and it will be in honor to hug you and thank you for my husband, who has been one of my biggest blessings.


Love you always
Karina, Humberto, Valentina, and Miguel
 xoxo



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