Thursday, December 21, 2017

In Need Of Some Major Energy And Good Vibes - But Where Do I Start?


"Sometimes, you gotta pretend everything's okay".

Ugh, you guys. I've been feeling so drained the last couple of day's.
Drained that can equally be depression.
 It's not the stress of holiday shopping that has been down and I didn't have to go into one single store personally. I was able to avoid all the craziness and have everything shipped to the comfort of my home.


But these past few days I've been getting migraines which have had me relaxing a lot and I've been feeling sad. You will never see me showing that on my Ig or Facebook but this here has always been my little corner of the internet and it used to be a place where I could come and just ramble on. 
As my blog has evolved I feel like there's been less of me sharing some these kind of posts. So today as I sit on my couch and try and reflex on what has me so down, I'm letting my fingers do the typing in hopes of feeling better and feeling some sort of relief. I'm surrounded by my family and have my parents near me, there should be no reason to feel alone or sad.
But as I showered yesterday and Google Mini played a favorite old tune of mines, a memory came back to me. A very sad one that is buried very deep down, one that only my husband and I share including a very few selected ones. Today I share it in hopes of feeling a little bit better.
The memory of my baby that never was, the baby that would never get to feel my love.
When Miguel was about 4 years old, I got pregnant with my second child which would be born in September, the exact due date was September 4th, a day before Miguel's birthday. The joy that was felt was amazing, they would be like Irish twins.
The news wouldn't be shared until we made sure everything was ok, I was 5 weeks pregnant and we would say the news about 2 weeks later. Those 2 weeks later never came. Our baby was lost during the 5th week. There are no words to explain how I felt. I'd seen my baby in the sonogram, what was it a boy or girl? 
Miguel was what really helped me not go into some sort of depression. I didn't cry and I truly believe  that, that is one thing that really hunts me. The not mourning, the not sharing with my mom who would have known how to comfort me. To this day she still doesn't know that little sad part that dwells in a little corner of my heart.

I cried while I showered, I cried a lot but then dried my tears and came out the shower to see Valentina and Miguel relaxing with their dad.
And decided to stop thinking about what if and just live the moment.
There are a lot of what if's that I have to bury deep down inside and not think about.
Maybe that has me down, them trying to resurface or just the fact that the holiday season is almost over and with that a new year is upon us. 
I also haven't been to the gym or gone for a run and whenever I don't workout it always does something weird to my soul.
Whatever it is I'm in need of some much healing. I'm tired of having these migraines and feeling so drained, it's time to start feeling like my old self again.
The thing is where do I start?

Love,
Kary xoxo


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